About this time last year: I "found" Chicky's book It's Perfectly Normal on her bookcase, and tried to talk with her about it. She responded by staring at her bookcase. "Look at all these books!" she said quickly. "I have so many books! I bet I haven't even read them all. That is a LOT of books." She didn't make eye contact.
A week or so later: I pointed to a diagram in one of her books, and laughed. She laughed too. We looked through some pictures together, and found them funny, but didn't talk about either sex or puberty very much.
A couple of weeks after that: I found the copy of the book in the bathroom, when she called me in to keep her company while she took a bubble bath. She pretended that she had no idea how that book got there. I pretended that made sense. We read some of the book, and talked about it briefly.
A couple of months later (during which time we'd continued discussing puberty and sex occasionally): We introduce the conversation topic Itchy Issues. Awkward conversations are scheduled for once or twice a week. We both enjoy these, even though they are theoretically "itchy" (ie uncomfortable). I bought her a little pouch, and put some pads in it Just In Case. She keeps this in her backpack.
As time wore on, the puberty vocabulary became our vocabulary. Sex is getting to be a more comfortable topic, but still not there yet. That's ok. When she was telling me about her Sex Ed class at school, she mentioned that the teacher had to pause the video when one of the boys in the film was talking about his penis. Chicky used the word "penis" in a sentence, not hesitating over it or whispering. Good for her. No need to get all awkward talking about a body part, but so many people do. She told me many details about the sex ed classes, and I loved hearing about it. It's so interesting! And it's very fun to get her perspective.
Last week: Chicky asked me if we could go bra shopping. We did, on Monday. Story will follow, of course.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
She says she doesn't like books- HAH!
A while ago, Chicky told me that she didn't like using books. That, ok, we could talk about this puberty/sex thing if we really must, but that we should just discuss, not read from books. Well, fine.
And so we do. She's relaxed a lot, and so have I, and we both joke about puberty all the time. The sex thing is still more awkward, but I think we'll get to this point with it too. So that's promising.
Here's a funny development, though-- as much as the girl told me that she doesn't want to read books about this stuff, she tore through Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret in a day. A day, people, and she doesn't usually like to read. She just found it hilarious. And I loved it too-- not just that she'd found a book she loves (which I'm thrilled by, of course), but also that it's given her a whole new way to talk about things. We laugh about the "we must increase our bust" routines, and how they never actually work. We discuss the huge variation in ages girls get their periods, pads vs tampons, and so on. It became so much easier for her to talk about all of this, once she'd read the book.
The other book we've been reading together in fits and spurts is My Little Red Book. It's basically a memoir of girls' stories of getting their periods-- either for the first time, or some memorable occasion. We've been enjoying the different experiences the girls have had, occasionally talking about mine (though I've had a pretty boring menstrual history), and talking about what will happen for her in the future (we won't slap her across the face, we will have some sort of celebration).
See, kid? Books aren't so bad.
And so we do. She's relaxed a lot, and so have I, and we both joke about puberty all the time. The sex thing is still more awkward, but I think we'll get to this point with it too. So that's promising.
Here's a funny development, though-- as much as the girl told me that she doesn't want to read books about this stuff, she tore through Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret in a day. A day, people, and she doesn't usually like to read. She just found it hilarious. And I loved it too-- not just that she'd found a book she loves (which I'm thrilled by, of course), but also that it's given her a whole new way to talk about things. We laugh about the "we must increase our bust" routines, and how they never actually work. We discuss the huge variation in ages girls get their periods, pads vs tampons, and so on. It became so much easier for her to talk about all of this, once she'd read the book.
The other book we've been reading together in fits and spurts is My Little Red Book. It's basically a memoir of girls' stories of getting their periods-- either for the first time, or some memorable occasion. We've been enjoying the different experiences the girls have had, occasionally talking about mine (though I've had a pretty boring menstrual history), and talking about what will happen for her in the future (we won't slap her across the face, we will have some sort of celebration).
See, kid? Books aren't so bad.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Best class!
Guys.
Do you know what the best part of Fifth Grade is? No, it's not being the oldest. No, it's not the tantalising lure of middle school (complete with lockers and a student lounge).
The best part of 5th grade is, undoubtedly, Sex Ed. Ok, so it's not the best part when you're in fifth grade, but I, for one, am psyched. Chicky and I have been predicting what the class is going to be like. Our guesses? Super. Awkward. Everyone will pretend not to care, but secretly be tremendously interested. There will be no eye contact, but plenty of uncomfortable scratching of arms. The mental image is fantastic.
"At least it will be over," Chicky said. "I mean, it's a week, but that's it."
"Yeah," I said. "You know, until next year."
She stared at me. "We do this AGAIN?"
Do you know what the best part of Fifth Grade is? No, it's not being the oldest. No, it's not the tantalising lure of middle school (complete with lockers and a student lounge).
The best part of 5th grade is, undoubtedly, Sex Ed. Ok, so it's not the best part when you're in fifth grade, but I, for one, am psyched. Chicky and I have been predicting what the class is going to be like. Our guesses? Super. Awkward. Everyone will pretend not to care, but secretly be tremendously interested. There will be no eye contact, but plenty of uncomfortable scratching of arms. The mental image is fantastic.
"At least it will be over," Chicky said. "I mean, it's a week, but that's it."
"Yeah," I said. "You know, until next year."
She stared at me. "We do this AGAIN?"
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I often repeat, repeat myself. I often repeat, repeat. *
Chicky and I were talking about what the "worst" aspect of puberty would be. Somehow, this conversation (which, yes, we have had several times) is so much more successful than the "best part of puberty" version. She's convinced there is no such thing as a "good" part of puberty (except that I've promised her we'll do Something Spectacular when she gets her period for the first time.) She is especially down on puberty since she has started getting pimples (um, yesterday), so the "worst part" conversation is an excellent one to be having right now.
I mentioned at one point that, as much as puberty can suck for girls, the obvious erections boys get must be just the absolute. worst. I mentioned this to Chicky, who looked at me blankly. "The what?" she asked. I was surprised. This was not new information, we'd talked about it before. I began to explain, and got a few sentences in before she cut me off. "Oh yeah. I remember now."
I'm not sure whether she actually remembered, or had just tired of hearing me use the word "penis" in a sentence.
In either case, I managed to communicate enough of a description that I think she does, at least, know what an erection is. Still, it's an argument for repeating oneself at every opportunity.
*Poem by Jack Prelutsky
I mentioned at one point that, as much as puberty can suck for girls, the obvious erections boys get must be just the absolute. worst. I mentioned this to Chicky, who looked at me blankly. "The what?" she asked. I was surprised. This was not new information, we'd talked about it before. I began to explain, and got a few sentences in before she cut me off. "Oh yeah. I remember now."
I'm not sure whether she actually remembered, or had just tired of hearing me use the word "penis" in a sentence.
In either case, I managed to communicate enough of a description that I think she does, at least, know what an erection is. Still, it's an argument for repeating oneself at every opportunity.
*Poem by Jack Prelutsky
Monday, February 14, 2011
Learning As They Go
Adolescence is about a lot more than growing boobs and being attracted to the opposite/same sex in a new way. It's a time of personal growth that doesn't necessarily have much to do with your physical growth and development. Some things that we always took for granted simply don't stay as they used to be.
Friendships are like that.
When we are children, friendships are simply a matter of who-likes-the-same-toys-or-has-the-same-backpack. As we get older, friendships acquire a new depth. Rather than just fun (though that's certainly part of it), friendships provide support, a sounding board, a challenge to our opinions, and so much more. I have been supremely fortunate to have had really wonderful friends throughout my life. It's something that I think is important for every person.
Part of being an adult in a child's life is modelling behaviour you want to encourage. I want to encourage healthy, fun, mutually supportive friendships. As such, it brings me great joy that Chicky and Hatchling find my friend, C.A., so wonderful. They admire her, enjoy her company, and think she is simply the coolest. I share their opinion. C.A. is a fantastic person, and the kids benefit from knowing her. Not only is it in their best interest to actually know C.A. in her own right-- she is smart, hilarious, kind, supportive, and tremendously fun-- but she is also helping them learn, simply by being her own cool self, what good friendships and marriages look like. When she and I are together, we joke around, tease each other, back each other up, and discuss ideas. She and R.A. (her husband) are relaxed and easy with each other, help each other out, and treat each other equally and with respect. The kids are seeing all of this, absorbing it, and perhaps one day will apply it to what they look for in their own friendships and romantic relationships.
They think C and R A are SO COOL. Cooler than I am, for sure.
If I have to give up the title of "coolest person ever," though, these are the people to whom I would like to surrender it.
Friendships are like that.
When we are children, friendships are simply a matter of who-likes-the-same-toys-or-has-the-same-backpack. As we get older, friendships acquire a new depth. Rather than just fun (though that's certainly part of it), friendships provide support, a sounding board, a challenge to our opinions, and so much more. I have been supremely fortunate to have had really wonderful friends throughout my life. It's something that I think is important for every person.
Part of being an adult in a child's life is modelling behaviour you want to encourage. I want to encourage healthy, fun, mutually supportive friendships. As such, it brings me great joy that Chicky and Hatchling find my friend, C.A., so wonderful. They admire her, enjoy her company, and think she is simply the coolest. I share their opinion. C.A. is a fantastic person, and the kids benefit from knowing her. Not only is it in their best interest to actually know C.A. in her own right-- she is smart, hilarious, kind, supportive, and tremendously fun-- but she is also helping them learn, simply by being her own cool self, what good friendships and marriages look like. When she and I are together, we joke around, tease each other, back each other up, and discuss ideas. She and R.A. (her husband) are relaxed and easy with each other, help each other out, and treat each other equally and with respect. The kids are seeing all of this, absorbing it, and perhaps one day will apply it to what they look for in their own friendships and romantic relationships.
They think C and R A are SO COOL. Cooler than I am, for sure.
If I have to give up the title of "coolest person ever," though, these are the people to whom I would like to surrender it.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Remember when these conversations were awkward? Me neither.
What do you talk about at the dinner table? Politics? Sports? The school day? Hatchling, Chicky and I have all of those conversations too, but today we added a new topic-- puberty. Obviously.
Hatchling (who, by the way, is a long ways away from puberty), suggested that boys have more to deal with during puberty than girls do. Chicky gave him a look. "I don't think so." So, we listed everything we could think of that happened during puberty, and I kept score.
Hatchling (who, by the way, is a long ways away from puberty), suggested that boys have more to deal with during puberty than girls do. Chicky gave him a look. "I don't think so." So, we listed everything we could think of that happened during puberty, and I kept score.
GIRLS BOYS
growth spurt
body odor
body hair
oily hair
acne
period voice changing
breast growth penis growth
hips widen shoulders broaden
In the end, it was a tie. But Chicky and I maintain that girls have it tougher.
Friday, February 4, 2011
I hear it takes a village
I mentioned at the very beginning that I am not Chicky's relative. I am a villager. It is more than just the parents' job to raise a child; it is the job of everyone in that child's life. (But, you know, no pressure.) I'm thrilled and honored to be one of the villagers, and I love spending time with Chicky and Hatchling. Of course, we don't only talk about sex and puberty. That would get old pretty fast. That's just the topic of this blog, you see, so that's what you hear about.
As most parents appear to know, it is wise to take advantage of those who want to be part of your kids' lives. Even better if they have some actually wisdom to impart. In terms of adolescence, I don't have more wisdom than Chicky's parents, but I do have greater enthusiasm for it as a conversation topic. Plus, simply being pretty young and, you know, not her parents, makes me a good additional resource for this.
However, being not her parents has its challenges. They get to make the value calls, they get to decide what lessons to impart, and they want to be kept up-to-date in terms of what, in general, we're talking about. These challenges are actually far less challenging than you might expect, actually. I have known the family for quite a while, so I'm generally pretty in tune with what they want to happen with Chicky. We also share a lot of the same values, which makes the split second "how-do-I-answer-that-question" moments a lot easier. And, of course, we talk about this project as we go along. Which should be a given, but I doubt it really is.
Chicky's parents talk with her about these things too, of course. I am not her sole source of information-- but I am often her first source. This is an immense privilege and a no-less-immense responsibility. I am certainly not unaware of that.
But you know what else?
It's really, really fun.
As most parents appear to know, it is wise to take advantage of those who want to be part of your kids' lives. Even better if they have some actually wisdom to impart. In terms of adolescence, I don't have more wisdom than Chicky's parents, but I do have greater enthusiasm for it as a conversation topic. Plus, simply being pretty young and, you know, not her parents, makes me a good additional resource for this.
However, being not her parents has its challenges. They get to make the value calls, they get to decide what lessons to impart, and they want to be kept up-to-date in terms of what, in general, we're talking about. These challenges are actually far less challenging than you might expect, actually. I have known the family for quite a while, so I'm generally pretty in tune with what they want to happen with Chicky. We also share a lot of the same values, which makes the split second "how-do-I-answer-that-question" moments a lot easier. And, of course, we talk about this project as we go along. Which should be a given, but I doubt it really is.
Chicky's parents talk with her about these things too, of course. I am not her sole source of information-- but I am often her first source. This is an immense privilege and a no-less-immense responsibility. I am certainly not unaware of that.
But you know what else?
It's really, really fun.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Books. Love 'em or hate 'em?
I started out writing a post about how much I LOVE sex ed books. There are "good" books and "bad" books, and a list of some of what I consider to be the "good" ones can be found on the right side of this blog. What makes a sex ed book "good," you may ask? I'll tell you:
- Scientifically accurate information/words
- Clear, easy-to-understand language
- Clear, bright, fun, accurate pictures
- Some humor
Now, you may be wondering why I said that I "started writing a post about how much I love sex ed books." I mean, isn't that what I'm doing?
Well, yes. But something happened that prevented me from going Full Steam Ahead with that plan. I discussed Sex Ed books with Chicky.
She doesn't like them.
Huh.
She likes having the conversations (really! she said so!), but doesn't like the books.
This, actually, kind of kills what I was going to write. I was going to say that I love using the books as props during conversations. I was going to say that they can be really helpful, to make you (the teacher) feel more comfortable and confident which, in turn, helps your own chicky to feel more relaxed too. I was going to say that they are useful to have at hand, just so you can keep your facts straight, and to use as a guideline for what is appropriate information to share at this stage. And, I guess, that could definitely be the case for some people.
But not us.Books are no longer welcome as full-time participants in our discussions.
Just because Chicky doesn't like the books, though, doesn't mean that I have to abandon them. Instead, I'm using them for research. Despite the fact that I know most of the information, it's nice to see how someone else is explaining it. It's good to find the least-scary, least-gross way of phrasing gross and occasionally scary information.
I like books, damnit. Whether Chicky does or not.
- Scientifically accurate information/words
- Clear, easy-to-understand language
- Clear, bright, fun, accurate pictures
- Some humor
Now, you may be wondering why I said that I "started writing a post about how much I love sex ed books." I mean, isn't that what I'm doing?
Well, yes. But something happened that prevented me from going Full Steam Ahead with that plan. I discussed Sex Ed books with Chicky.
She doesn't like them.
Huh.
She likes having the conversations (really! she said so!), but doesn't like the books.
This, actually, kind of kills what I was going to write. I was going to say that I love using the books as props during conversations. I was going to say that they can be really helpful, to make you (the teacher) feel more comfortable and confident which, in turn, helps your own chicky to feel more relaxed too. I was going to say that they are useful to have at hand, just so you can keep your facts straight, and to use as a guideline for what is appropriate information to share at this stage. And, I guess, that could definitely be the case for some people.
But not us.Books are no longer welcome as full-time participants in our discussions.
Just because Chicky doesn't like the books, though, doesn't mean that I have to abandon them. Instead, I'm using them for research. Despite the fact that I know most of the information, it's nice to see how someone else is explaining it. It's good to find the least-scary, least-gross way of phrasing gross and occasionally scary information.
I like books, damnit. Whether Chicky does or not.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Discovery
Recently, Chicky and I were organizing her desk in her bedroom, sorting, throwing away, labelling. It was menial work, but a good backdrop for just chatting. As we were getting everything under control, I observed, "Maybe we should start having the Itchy Issue conversations while we're organizing something. You know, have our next one while we sort out your bookshelf or something. I find that I feel less awkward when I have something to do with my hands, you know?" She agreed with me, "Yeah, that's how I end up scratching myself! I need something to do with my hands!"
So, that's my newest Fascinating Discovery. Even though people have been making the same discovery for decades. Whatever.
From now on, Itchy Conversations will be accompanied by folding clothes, baking cookies, or arranging knick knacks on bookshelves.
So, that's my newest Fascinating Discovery. Even though people have been making the same discovery for decades. Whatever.
From now on, Itchy Conversations will be accompanied by folding clothes, baking cookies, or arranging knick knacks on bookshelves.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Planning is the Key
Mondays and Wednesdays. Those are our days, the ones during which Hatchling (Chicky's younger brother) has some sort of scheduled "Other Activity." Those are the days when Chicky and I are guaranteed some girl time.
Accordingly, those are our Itchy Issues days. Trying to talk about the myriad of Itchy Issues "when we get a minute" just really wasn't working. We never got much of a private minute, and when we did, it was weird to suddenly just leap into a loaded conversation. Consequently, we didn't talk about these important issues nearly as often or in as much detail as I would have preferred. So, I did what any logical lady would do-- I scheduled.
I decided that when Hatchling went to his activities on Mondays and Wednesdays, Chicky and I would devote that time to talking about Something Important. I hoped she would be onboard with this idea or, at least, would not be horrified by it.
On Monday, things went well. I asked Chicky if there was anything in particular she wanted to start off talking about, and when she declined to come up with an idea, I jumped in.We read some of the Greatest Book Ever Written (It's Perfectly Normal-- the link is on the right side of the page), and talked about it. It was a little challenging, as I decided to start with one of the "itchiest" of topics-- sex-- but the conversation went very smoothly, Chicky listened closely, and I think she learned a lot.
On Wednesday, Chicky brought up the plan herself! She confirmed that we were going to have some more girl time that day, and then was quiet for a second. I asked her if there was anything in particular she wanted to talk about. "I knew you were going to ask me that, so I was thinking about it," she answered. "I think I want to talk about boys."
Calloo! Callay! She's into it! Like any other reasonable human being, she finds it kind of awkward. But she's certainly down with having these conversations.
I think we're on the right track.
Accordingly, those are our Itchy Issues days. Trying to talk about the myriad of Itchy Issues "when we get a minute" just really wasn't working. We never got much of a private minute, and when we did, it was weird to suddenly just leap into a loaded conversation. Consequently, we didn't talk about these important issues nearly as often or in as much detail as I would have preferred. So, I did what any logical lady would do-- I scheduled.
I decided that when Hatchling went to his activities on Mondays and Wednesdays, Chicky and I would devote that time to talking about Something Important. I hoped she would be onboard with this idea or, at least, would not be horrified by it.
On Monday, things went well. I asked Chicky if there was anything in particular she wanted to start off talking about, and when she declined to come up with an idea, I jumped in.We read some of the Greatest Book Ever Written (It's Perfectly Normal-- the link is on the right side of the page), and talked about it. It was a little challenging, as I decided to start with one of the "itchiest" of topics-- sex-- but the conversation went very smoothly, Chicky listened closely, and I think she learned a lot.
On Wednesday, Chicky brought up the plan herself! She confirmed that we were going to have some more girl time that day, and then was quiet for a second. I asked her if there was anything in particular she wanted to talk about. "I knew you were going to ask me that, so I was thinking about it," she answered. "I think I want to talk about boys."
Calloo! Callay! She's into it! Like any other reasonable human being, she finds it kind of awkward. But she's certainly down with having these conversations.
I think we're on the right track.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Celebrate!
Here's the deal Chicky and I have: When her period arrives for the first time, she and I are going to CELEBRATE!
Why, you may ask? How, you may wonder?
I'll tell you.
We'll celebrate because this is a huge transition from "girl" to "woman," and one of the very few that happen in any sort of discrete way. One day you don't have a period, the next day you do. Ta da! Big step.
Also, let's be honest: It kinda sucks. It's a chore to deal with, especially at first. It's uncomfortable. It's messy. It requires a level of responsibility and planning that is largely unprecedented in a girl's life. So, we will celebrate in order to make it Suck Less.
Now the tricky part-- how, precisely, will we celebrate this momentous occasion? She may even have the opportunity to do it twice, if she and her mom want to do something special as well. (In fact, I think that would be awesome. Live it up, after all!) We may go on a weekend trip to visit one of my girl friends, who Chicky simply adores. We may just go out to dinner and have a "girls night" at my apartment. We may make a uterus pinata ! Ok, that last one is kind of weird. But the point is that we can celebrate Any Way We Choose.
It's going to be special, damnit. And it's going to be a positive experience.
Why, you may ask? How, you may wonder?
I'll tell you.
We'll celebrate because this is a huge transition from "girl" to "woman," and one of the very few that happen in any sort of discrete way. One day you don't have a period, the next day you do. Ta da! Big step.
Also, let's be honest: It kinda sucks. It's a chore to deal with, especially at first. It's uncomfortable. It's messy. It requires a level of responsibility and planning that is largely unprecedented in a girl's life. So, we will celebrate in order to make it Suck Less.
Now the tricky part-- how, precisely, will we celebrate this momentous occasion? She may even have the opportunity to do it twice, if she and her mom want to do something special as well. (In fact, I think that would be awesome. Live it up, after all!) We may go on a weekend trip to visit one of my girl friends, who Chicky simply adores. We may just go out to dinner and have a "girls night" at my apartment. We may make a uterus pinata ! Ok, that last one is kind of weird. But the point is that we can celebrate Any Way We Choose.
It's going to be special, damnit. And it's going to be a positive experience.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Tampon Terror
When I was in fifth grade (about a year and a half before I actually got my period), my teacher dunked a tampon in a coffee can full of water. She told us that her teacher had done the same during a "growing and changing" class, and she had found it fascinating and memorable.
Well, YEAH.
Have you looked at a tampon? It starts off all narrow and unthreatening:
And then, upon being saturated with water, it swells to monstrous proportions. Any girl would remember that-- and any girl in her right mind would vow never to use a tampon. Which is precisely what I did.
Fast forward several years, and I'd managed to get over my immense (and, it turned out, unfounded) fear of tampons. After discovering how easy the whole thing really was, I promised myself that I would never, ever subject any little girl to the same demonstration...
...that is, until Chicky asked. She wanted to know how, exactly, a tampon worked. I had two choices. I could wave off the question, and pretend that it had never been asked, or I could show her. I chose the latter, but with a few added precautions.
First, I explained to her that a tampon being dunked in a bowl of water does not react at all in the same way to a tampon being saturated with menstrual fluid (ewww) in the human body. She, unsurprisingly, could see why that made sense. Then, I introduced two versions of the event.
The Scary (but Fascinating) Version:
The tampon is released into a dish of water. Immediately, it swells to an enormous size. You are forced to envision this tampon in your body, stuck there forever. How would you ever get something that big OUT again?
The Non-Scary Version:
This version does a much better job of demonstrating what a tampon actually does. You hold the unwrapped tampon in your hand, which acts as the vaginal wall. Then, using your other hand, you pour water slowly over the tampon. It absorbs the water, and swells-- but not nearly to the size of the first tampon. You can feel that it is not forcing your hand apart, that the tampon has no inherent strength. (Seems obvious, doesn't it? But take the perspective of someone who has never experienced a tampon before.) Then, once the tampon has been fully saturated, you can use the cord to pull it out of your hand. See how it doesn't get stuck? See how your hand doesn't get forced open?
Can you see the difference?
It's not an ideal experiment, but it's sure a lot better than the original version! Chicky had fun trying these out, and I am pleased that she got to do something a little more hands on. Sometimes it seems like these topics involve an awful lot of just talking. (Though I'm going to work on that...)
Well, YEAH.
Have you looked at a tampon? It starts off all narrow and unthreatening:
And then, upon being saturated with water, it swells to monstrous proportions. Any girl would remember that-- and any girl in her right mind would vow never to use a tampon. Which is precisely what I did.
Fast forward several years, and I'd managed to get over my immense (and, it turned out, unfounded) fear of tampons. After discovering how easy the whole thing really was, I promised myself that I would never, ever subject any little girl to the same demonstration...
...that is, until Chicky asked. She wanted to know how, exactly, a tampon worked. I had two choices. I could wave off the question, and pretend that it had never been asked, or I could show her. I chose the latter, but with a few added precautions.
First, I explained to her that a tampon being dunked in a bowl of water does not react at all in the same way to a tampon being saturated with menstrual fluid (ewww) in the human body. She, unsurprisingly, could see why that made sense. Then, I introduced two versions of the event.
The Scary (but Fascinating) Version:
The tampon is released into a dish of water. Immediately, it swells to an enormous size. You are forced to envision this tampon in your body, stuck there forever. How would you ever get something that big OUT again?
The Non-Scary Version:
This version does a much better job of demonstrating what a tampon actually does. You hold the unwrapped tampon in your hand, which acts as the vaginal wall. Then, using your other hand, you pour water slowly over the tampon. It absorbs the water, and swells-- but not nearly to the size of the first tampon. You can feel that it is not forcing your hand apart, that the tampon has no inherent strength. (Seems obvious, doesn't it? But take the perspective of someone who has never experienced a tampon before.) Then, once the tampon has been fully saturated, you can use the cord to pull it out of your hand. See how it doesn't get stuck? See how your hand doesn't get forced open?
Can you see the difference?
It's not an ideal experiment, but it's sure a lot better than the original version! Chicky had fun trying these out, and I am pleased that she got to do something a little more hands on. Sometimes it seems like these topics involve an awful lot of just talking. (Though I'm going to work on that...)
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Plan of Attack
For a while at least, I'm going to pretend that there is a Method to the Madness. That is not always true, in large part because I'd prefer to discuss different issues as they are interesting to Chicky, rather than because they fit with my "curriculum." That said, though, I do try to think things out a little. So, I break it down like this:
What must Chicky know?
What is Chicky curious about or confused by?
What is Chicky curious about or confused by, but too embarrassed to ask? (That one's the tricky one.)
What do I wish I had known earlier?
How do we want Chicky to relate to this information/what values are we teaching?
Sometimes this is more straightforward than others. I'll start with menstruation, because that's one of our favourite, and most comfortable, topics:
What must Chicky know?
- What a period is (ie what happens, exactly)
- Why it happens
- At roughly what age/point in physical development it is likely to arrive
- Information about "feminine hygiene products"
- What the deal is with PMS, cramps, moodiness
What is Chicky curious about or confused by?
- When do you get it/when do you stop getting it?
- Is it uncomfortable?
- What's the deal with pads and tampons?
What is Chicky curious about or confused by, but too embarrassed to ask?
- Seems to be not as much of an issue with this topic.
What do I wish I had known earlier?
-Tampons are only a big deal if you let them scare you (see upcoming post on "Tampon Terror")
- Menstrual fluid is not pure "fluid"-- includes bits of tissue, etc. (I know. Ewwww....)
How do we want Chicky to relate to this information/what values are we teaching?
- Periods are a natural part of the maturation process, unavoidable, and nothing to be ashamed of.
- You should be proud of your body
- It's normal and understandable to be either delighted or distressed by this change, and it's also ok if your feelings fluctuate.
Once I have a general handle on what I want the conversation to cover, it's a lot easier to dive in! And, because I'm feeling more relaxed and confident, Chicky feels that a little more too.
What must Chicky know?
What is Chicky curious about or confused by?
What is Chicky curious about or confused by, but too embarrassed to ask? (That one's the tricky one.)
What do I wish I had known earlier?
How do we want Chicky to relate to this information/what values are we teaching?
Sometimes this is more straightforward than others. I'll start with menstruation, because that's one of our favourite, and most comfortable, topics:
What must Chicky know?
- What a period is (ie what happens, exactly)
- Why it happens
- At roughly what age/point in physical development it is likely to arrive
- Information about "feminine hygiene products"
- What the deal is with PMS, cramps, moodiness
What is Chicky curious about or confused by?
- When do you get it/when do you stop getting it?
- Is it uncomfortable?
- What's the deal with pads and tampons?
What is Chicky curious about or confused by, but too embarrassed to ask?
- Seems to be not as much of an issue with this topic.
What do I wish I had known earlier?
-Tampons are only a big deal if you let them scare you (see upcoming post on "Tampon Terror")
- Menstrual fluid is not pure "fluid"-- includes bits of tissue, etc. (I know. Ewwww....)
How do we want Chicky to relate to this information/what values are we teaching?
- Periods are a natural part of the maturation process, unavoidable, and nothing to be ashamed of.
- You should be proud of your body
- It's normal and understandable to be either delighted or distressed by this change, and it's also ok if your feelings fluctuate.
Once I have a general handle on what I want the conversation to cover, it's a lot easier to dive in! And, because I'm feeling more relaxed and confident, Chicky feels that a little more too.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Itchy Issues
When Chicky and I first started talking about sex and adolescence, she'd get very squirmy, scratch at her arms and legs, and generally avoid eye contact. It was, in a word, hilarious. Which I told her, of course! I asked if she was allergic to the conversation, if this was a common problem other 5th graders faced, and what her class would look like while they were studying sex ed in school. We envisioned rows of uncomfortable ten-year-olds scratching at themselves, and laughed.
From then on, we've referred to these uncomfortable subjects as "itchy" ones. More recently we've introduced some assonance, and now they're called "Itchy Issues." Catchy, huh?
Here's the list of "Itchy Issues" that are on the docket for discussion. We add more as we think of them. Yesterday, I told her what all I had on my list to talk about, and asked her which she thought were the most/least "itchy" ones. This is the order she chose:
Sex
Eating disorders/body image
Friends
Drugs/Alcohol
Boys*
Puberty
Can you tell we've talked about puberty ad nauseum? The girl could probably teach her own class on it at this point. I also want to include "emotions and feelings" on that list, but I kind of feel like it goes with just everything. It's something that is going in the "curriculum," but it doesn't have a place on the list yet... largely because I forgot about it as we were ordering things last night.
*I've been saying "boys or girls" every time we have a conversation about romantic interests. The other day she finally said, "You know, I like boys." And I had to reply, "Well, yes, I thought you probably did. But I would hate for you to feel like you HAD to, or that you couldn't change your mind." So I'm saying "boys" now... but talking about the range of sexuality, etc.
From then on, we've referred to these uncomfortable subjects as "itchy" ones. More recently we've introduced some assonance, and now they're called "Itchy Issues." Catchy, huh?
Here's the list of "Itchy Issues" that are on the docket for discussion. We add more as we think of them. Yesterday, I told her what all I had on my list to talk about, and asked her which she thought were the most/least "itchy" ones. This is the order she chose:
Sex
Eating disorders/body image
Friends
Drugs/Alcohol
Boys*
Puberty
Can you tell we've talked about puberty ad nauseum? The girl could probably teach her own class on it at this point. I also want to include "emotions and feelings" on that list, but I kind of feel like it goes with just everything. It's something that is going in the "curriculum," but it doesn't have a place on the list yet... largely because I forgot about it as we were ordering things last night.
*I've been saying "boys or girls" every time we have a conversation about romantic interests. The other day she finally said, "You know, I like boys." And I had to reply, "Well, yes, I thought you probably did. But I would hate for you to feel like you HAD to, or that you couldn't change your mind." So I'm saying "boys" now... but talking about the range of sexuality, etc.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
And so it begins.
I'm uncertain where and how I should start this first post. It really doesn't matter, I guess, because it's pretty likely this whole thing will just float around in cyberspace, never read by another soul. Really, I'm writing this for me-- and for Chicky, who is turning eleven soon, and just beginning this impossibly challenging road. Adolescence. Oy.
I'm not Chicky's parent, or aunt, or family (in any traditional sense of the word), but I love her and her brother, and have become her Puberty Coach. I volunteered for the role, and I find it fun, fascinating, and more than a little intimidating. It's peculiar, how we handle talking about sex and puberty in this society. (And by "how we handle it" I mean "how we don't.") There's this sort of taboo that surrounds it-- as if educating kids is the equivalent of encouraging them to go have sex post haste. I just... well, I doubt it.
So here's what I advocate: humour, respect, and candour.
Let's see how it goes.
I'm not Chicky's parent, or aunt, or family (in any traditional sense of the word), but I love her and her brother, and have become her Puberty Coach. I volunteered for the role, and I find it fun, fascinating, and more than a little intimidating. It's peculiar, how we handle talking about sex and puberty in this society. (And by "how we handle it" I mean "how we don't.") There's this sort of taboo that surrounds it-- as if educating kids is the equivalent of encouraging them to go have sex post haste. I just... well, I doubt it.
So here's what I advocate: humour, respect, and candour.
Let's see how it goes.
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