Celebrate!

Here's the deal Chicky and I have: When her period arrives for the first time, she and I are going to CELEBRATE!

Why, you may ask? How, you may wonder?

I'll tell you.

We'll celebrate because this is a huge transition from "girl" to "woman," and one of the very few that happen in any sort of discrete way. One day you don't have a period, the next day you do. Ta da! Big step.

Also, let's be honest: It kinda sucks. It's a chore to deal with, especially at first. It's uncomfortable. It's messy. It requires a level of responsibility and planning that is largely unprecedented in a girl's life. So, we will celebrate in order to make it Suck Less.

Now the tricky part-- how, precisely, will we celebrate this momentous occasion? She may even have the opportunity to do it twice, if she and her mom want to do something special as well. (In fact, I think that would be awesome. Live it up, after all!) We may go on a weekend trip to visit one of my girl friends, who Chicky simply adores. We may just go out to dinner and have a "girls night" at my apartment. We may make a uterus pinata ! Ok, that last one is kind of weird. But the point is that we can celebrate Any Way We Choose.

It's going to be special, damnit. And it's going to be a positive experience.

Tampon Terror

When I was in fifth grade (about a year and a half before I actually got my period), my teacher dunked a tampon in a coffee can full of water. She told us that her teacher had done the same during a "growing and changing" class, and she had found it fascinating and memorable.

Well, YEAH.

Have you looked at a tampon? It starts off all narrow and unthreatening:

And then, upon being saturated with water, it swells to monstrous proportions. Any girl would remember that-- and any girl in her right mind would vow never to use a tampon. Which is precisely what I did.

Fast forward several years, and I'd managed to get over my immense (and, it turned out, unfounded) fear of tampons. After discovering how easy the whole thing really was, I promised myself that I would never, ever subject any little girl to the same demonstration...

...that is, until Chicky asked. She wanted to know how, exactly, a tampon worked. I had two choices. I could wave off the question, and pretend that it had never been asked, or I could show her. I chose the latter, but with a few added precautions.

First, I explained to her that a tampon being dunked in a bowl of water does not react at all in the same way to a tampon being saturated with menstrual fluid (ewww) in the human body. She, unsurprisingly, could see why that made sense. Then, I introduced two versions of the event.

The Scary (but Fascinating) Version:

The tampon is released into a dish of water. Immediately, it swells to an enormous size. You are forced to envision this tampon in your body, stuck there forever. How would you ever get something that big OUT again?

The Non-Scary Version:

This version does a much better job of demonstrating what a tampon actually does. You hold the unwrapped tampon in your hand, which acts as the vaginal wall. Then, using your other hand, you pour water slowly over the tampon. It absorbs the water, and swells-- but not nearly to the size of the first tampon. You can feel that it is not forcing your hand apart, that the tampon has no inherent strength. (Seems obvious, doesn't it? But take the perspective of someone who has never experienced a tampon before.) Then, once the tampon has been fully saturated, you can use the cord to pull it out of your hand. See how it doesn't get stuck? See how your hand doesn't get forced open?

Can you see the difference?

It's not an ideal experiment, but it's sure a lot better than the original version! Chicky had fun trying these out, and I am pleased that she got to do something a little more hands on. Sometimes it seems like these topics involve an awful lot of just talking. (Though I'm going to work on that...)

Plan of Attack

For a while at least, I'm going to pretend that there is a Method to the Madness. That is not always true, in large part because I'd prefer to discuss different issues as they are interesting to Chicky, rather than because they fit with my "curriculum." That said, though, I do try to think things out a little. So, I break it down like this:

What must Chicky know?

What is Chicky curious about or confused by?

What is Chicky curious about or confused by, but too embarrassed to ask? (That one's the tricky one.)

What do I wish I had known earlier?

How do we want Chicky to relate to this information/what values are we teaching?

Sometimes this is more straightforward than others. I'll start with menstruation, because that's one of our favourite, and most comfortable, topics:

What must Chicky know? 
- What a period is (ie what happens, exactly)
- Why it happens
- At roughly what age/point in physical development it is likely to arrive
- Information about "feminine hygiene products"
- What the deal is with PMS, cramps, moodiness 

What is Chicky curious about or confused by?
- When do you get it/when do you stop getting it?
- Is it uncomfortable?
- What's the deal with pads and tampons?


What is Chicky curious about or confused by, but too embarrassed to ask?
- Seems to be not as much of an issue with this topic.

What do I wish I had known earlier?
-Tampons are only a big deal if you let them scare you (see upcoming post on "Tampon Terror")
- Menstrual fluid is not pure "fluid"-- includes bits of tissue, etc. (I know. Ewwww....)


How do we want Chicky to relate to this information/what values are we teaching?
- Periods are a natural part of the maturation process, unavoidable, and nothing to be ashamed of.
- You should be proud of your body
- It's normal and understandable to be either delighted or distressed by this change, and it's also ok if your feelings fluctuate.

Once I have a general handle on what I want the conversation to cover, it's a lot easier to dive in! And, because I'm feeling more relaxed and confident, Chicky feels that a little more too.

Itchy Issues

When Chicky and I first started talking about sex and adolescence, she'd get very squirmy, scratch at her arms and legs, and generally avoid eye contact. It was, in a word, hilarious. Which I told her, of course! I asked if she was allergic to the conversation, if this was a common problem other 5th graders faced, and what her class would look like while they were studying sex ed in school. We envisioned rows of uncomfortable ten-year-olds scratching at themselves, and laughed.

From then on, we've referred to these uncomfortable subjects as "itchy" ones. More recently we've introduced some assonance, and now they're called "Itchy Issues." Catchy, huh?

Here's the list of "Itchy Issues" that are on the docket for discussion. We add more as we think of them. Yesterday, I told her what all I had on my list to talk about, and asked her which she thought were the most/least "itchy" ones. This is the order she chose:

Sex
Eating disorders/body image
Friends
Drugs/Alcohol
Boys*
Puberty

Can you tell we've talked about puberty ad nauseum? The girl could probably teach her own class on it at this point. I also want to include "emotions and feelings" on that list, but I kind of feel like it goes with just everything. It's something that is going in the "curriculum," but it doesn't have a place on the list yet... largely because I forgot about it as we were ordering things last night.

*I've been saying "boys or girls" every time we have a conversation about romantic interests. The other day she finally said, "You know, I like boys." And I had to reply, "Well, yes, I thought you probably did. But I would hate for you to feel like you HAD to, or that you couldn't change your mind." So I'm saying "boys" now... but talking about the range of sexuality, etc.

And so it begins.

I'm uncertain where and how I should start this first post. It really doesn't matter, I guess, because it's pretty likely this whole thing will just float around in cyberspace, never read by another soul. Really, I'm writing this for me-- and for Chicky, who is turning eleven soon, and just beginning this impossibly challenging road. Adolescence. Oy.

I'm not Chicky's parent, or aunt, or family (in any traditional sense of the word), but I love her and her brother, and have become her Puberty Coach. I volunteered for the role, and I find it fun, fascinating, and more than a little intimidating. It's peculiar, how we handle talking about sex and puberty in this society. (And by "how we handle it" I mean "how we don't.") There's this sort of taboo that surrounds it-- as if educating kids is the equivalent of encouraging them to go have sex post haste. I just... well, I doubt it.

So here's what I advocate: humour, respect, and candour.

Let's see how it goes.