Learning As They Go

Adolescence is about a lot more than growing boobs and being attracted to the opposite/same sex in a new way. It's a time of personal growth that doesn't necessarily have much to do with your physical growth and development. Some things that we always took for granted simply don't stay as they used to be.

Friendships are like that.

When we are children, friendships are simply a matter of who-likes-the-same-toys-or-has-the-same-backpack. As we get older, friendships acquire a new depth. Rather than just fun (though that's certainly part of it), friendships provide support, a sounding board, a challenge to our opinions, and so much more. I have been supremely fortunate to have had really wonderful friends throughout my life. It's something that I think is important for every person.

Part of being an adult in a child's life is modelling behaviour you want to encourage. I want to encourage healthy, fun, mutually supportive friendships. As such, it brings me great joy that Chicky and Hatchling find my friend, C.A., so wonderful. They admire her, enjoy her company, and think she is simply the coolest. I share their opinion. C.A. is a fantastic person, and the kids benefit from knowing her. Not only is it in their best interest to actually know C.A. in her own right-- she is smart, hilarious, kind, supportive, and tremendously fun-- but she is also helping them learn, simply by being her own cool self, what good friendships and marriages look like. When she and I are together, we joke around, tease each other, back each other up, and discuss ideas. She and R.A. (her husband) are relaxed and easy with each other, help each other out, and treat each other equally and with respect. The kids are seeing all of this, absorbing it, and perhaps one day will apply it to what they look for in their own friendships and romantic relationships.

They think C and R A are SO COOL. Cooler than I am, for sure.

If I have to give up the title of "coolest person ever," though, these are the people to whom I would like to surrender it.

Remember when these conversations were awkward? Me neither.

What do you talk about at the dinner table? Politics? Sports? The school day? Hatchling, Chicky and I have all of those conversations too, but today we added a new topic-- puberty. Obviously.

Hatchling (who, by the way, is a long ways away from puberty), suggested that boys have more to deal with during puberty than girls do. Chicky gave him a look. "I don't think so." So, we listed everything we could think of that happened during puberty, and I kept score.

                             GIRLS                                                           BOYS

                                                           growth spurt

                                                           body odor

                                                           body hair                         

                                                           oily hair

                                                           acne

                              period                                                             voice changing

                              breast growth                                                  penis growth

                              hips widen                                                       shoulders broaden

In the end, it was a tie. But Chicky and I maintain that girls have it tougher.

I hear it takes a village

I mentioned at the very beginning that I am not Chicky's relative. I am a villager. It is more than just the parents' job to raise a child; it is the job of everyone in that child's life. (But, you know, no pressure.) I'm thrilled and honored to be one of the villagers, and I love spending time with Chicky and Hatchling. Of course, we don't only talk about sex and puberty. That would get old pretty fast. That's just the topic of this blog, you see, so that's what you hear about.

As most parents appear to know, it is wise to take advantage of those who want to be part of your kids' lives. Even better if they have some actually wisdom to impart. In terms of adolescence, I don't have more wisdom than Chicky's parents, but I do have greater enthusiasm for it as a conversation topic. Plus, simply being pretty young and, you know, not her parents, makes me a good additional resource for this.

However, being not her parents has its challenges. They get to make the value calls, they get to decide what lessons to impart, and they want to be kept up-to-date in terms of what, in general, we're talking about. These challenges are actually far less challenging than you might expect, actually. I have known the family for quite a while, so I'm generally pretty in tune with what they want to happen with Chicky. We also share a lot of the same values, which makes the split second "how-do-I-answer-that-question" moments a lot easier. And, of course, we talk about this project as we go along. Which should be a given, but I doubt it really is.

Chicky's parents talk with her about these things too, of course. I am not her sole source of information-- but I am often her first source. This is an immense privilege and a no-less-immense responsibility. I am certainly not unaware of that.

But you know what else?

It's really, really fun.

Books. Love 'em or hate 'em?

I started out writing a post about how much I LOVE sex ed books. There are "good" books and "bad" books, and a list of some of what I consider to be the "good" ones can be found on the right side of this blog. What makes a sex ed book "good," you may ask? I'll tell you:

- Scientifically accurate information/words
- Clear, easy-to-understand language
- Clear, bright, fun, accurate pictures
- Some humor

Now, you may be wondering why I said that I "started writing a post about how much I love sex ed books." I mean, isn't that what I'm doing?

Well, yes. But something happened that prevented me from going Full Steam Ahead with that plan. I discussed Sex Ed books with Chicky.

She doesn't like them.

Huh.

She likes having the conversations (really! she said so!), but doesn't like the books.

This, actually, kind of kills what I was going to write. I was going to say that I love using the books as props during conversations. I was going to say that they can be really helpful, to make you (the teacher) feel more comfortable and confident which, in turn, helps your own chicky to feel more relaxed too. I was going to say that they are useful to have at hand, just so you can keep your facts straight, and to use as a guideline for what is appropriate information to share at this stage. And, I guess, that could definitely be the case for some people.

But not us.Books are no longer welcome as full-time participants in our discussions.

Just because Chicky doesn't like the books, though, doesn't mean that I have to abandon them. Instead, I'm using them for research. Despite the fact that I know most of the information, it's nice to see how someone else is explaining it. It's good to find the least-scary, least-gross way of phrasing gross and occasionally scary information.

I like books, damnit. Whether Chicky does or not.

Discovery

Recently, Chicky and I were organizing her desk in her bedroom, sorting, throwing away, labelling. It was menial work, but a good backdrop for just chatting. As we were getting everything under control, I observed, "Maybe we should start having the Itchy Issue conversations while we're organizing something. You know, have our next one while we sort out your bookshelf or something. I find that I feel less awkward when I have something to do with my hands, you know?" She agreed with me, "Yeah, that's how I end up scratching myself! I need something to do with my hands!"

So, that's my newest Fascinating Discovery. Even though people have been making the same discovery for decades. Whatever.

From now on, Itchy Conversations will be accompanied by folding clothes, baking cookies, or arranging knick knacks on bookshelves.

Planning is the Key

Mondays and Wednesdays. Those are our days, the ones during which Hatchling (Chicky's younger brother) has some sort of scheduled "Other Activity." Those are the days when Chicky and I are guaranteed some girl time.

Accordingly, those are our Itchy Issues days. Trying to talk about the myriad of Itchy Issues "when we get a minute" just really wasn't working. We never got much of a private minute, and when we did, it was weird to suddenly just leap into a loaded conversation. Consequently, we didn't talk about these important issues nearly as often or in as much detail as I would have preferred. So, I did what any logical lady would do-- I scheduled.

I decided that when Hatchling went to his activities on Mondays and Wednesdays, Chicky and I would devote that time to talking about Something Important. I hoped she would be onboard with this idea or, at least, would not be horrified by it.

On Monday, things went well. I asked Chicky if there was anything in particular she wanted to start off talking about, and when she declined to come up with an idea, I jumped in.We read some of the Greatest Book Ever Written (It's Perfectly Normal-- the link is on the right side of the page), and talked about it. It was a little challenging, as I decided to start with one of the "itchiest" of topics-- sex-- but the conversation went very smoothly, Chicky listened closely, and I think she learned a lot.

On Wednesday, Chicky brought up the plan herself! She confirmed that we were going to have some more girl time that day, and then was quiet for a second. I asked her if there was anything in particular she wanted to talk about. "I knew you were going to ask me that, so I was thinking about it," she answered. "I think I want to talk about boys."

Calloo! Callay! She's into it! Like any other reasonable human being, she finds it kind of awkward. But she's certainly down with having these conversations.

I think we're on the right track.